the beginning of the world
by sky-metaphors
Summary: Like the rest of her family, Kagura has become a master at the art of leaving. But not quite. Not quite.


**the beginning of the world**

 _A/N: I would've finished this sooner, but the recent Gintama chapters were freaking me the fuck out and I couldn't concentrate lol. Especially Ch. 670. Goddammit, Sorachi._

 _Anyway. Enjoy. I think._

* * *

For someone all too familiar with being left behind, you sure leave a lot.

Of course, you always make sure to come back, and over the years they have learned that with each departure comes the promise of your return. At least they aren't alone like you were.

•

In space: Papi (it's nice being with Papi; your definition of defeated is a retreating back), Kamui (it's nice being with Kamui; he doesn't always know how to love other people but when he does—), there are plenty of monsters to fight and/or play with, alien food (they have nothing on sukonbu and egg-on-rice, though), there is _real_ and _actual_ pay, more opportunities to learn and get stronger (so you can wipe the park grounds with a certain sadist's ass more often), and the view when you look out the window of the spaceship (when you step back, everything looks like massive cities of light and rocks floating in an endless expanse of nothingness; you found out that emptiness is something like 99.9999999999999999999958% of the known universe and it made you feel kind of lonely).

•

Wanderlust is in your blood, but you are constantly seeking home. There is a piece of it in the way Papi touches the top of your head with a fragile sort of tenderness. Another is in Kamui's hand, be it fist or fingertips on your cheek; it's okay that he still finds it hard to tell the difference. (Besides, there has to be someone to fight every day, and in space, there is a very noticeable lack of sadists.)

The rest is in Edo, scattered among its idiot residents (your loyal subjects), primarily in a useless permhead, a pair of glasses, a violent fluffball.

...and maybe in a certain park bench.

•

You can pinpoint the exact moment when your rivalry turned from a game to, well, something else.

It was nothing grand. He snatched away one of your hair ornaments, put it over his crotch, and handed it back to you. As if you could ever touch it again. You grabbed him by the collar, and as you pulled him closer to headbutt the smirk right off his face, the world slowed and shoujo bubbles framed your vision, and you realized one groundbreaking fact that blew your mind so _hard_ you were pretty damn certain you were the first in the entire galaxy to even consider the idea:

The sadist is _good-looking._

(You would soon find out that you are, in fact, the last in the entire galaxy to realize this.)

After that, things were pretty much shit for you.

•

You are in the middle of a fight and he has a wide grin on his face and he looks like he's having so much fun and you are sure you are wearing the same expression

or you are sitting on the park bench minding your own business like the respectable citizen that you are and a corrupt police officer shoots you with his bazooka from a distance and you uproot and throw an entire tree his way and hope he gets crushed

or a respectable citizen and a corrupt police officer sit together on the park bench, both (illegally) possessing grenades and bazookas and then they see an actual responsible police officer doing real actual police work as he passes by and you take turns trying to blow him up

or you tell him why your father mastered the art of leaving without looking back and why your brother will always be partially batshit insane and you tell him about your mother, your mother, your mother—

you tell him about a place where it is constantly raining and how it is also possible to bring the rain inside the house if it is quiet enough and all the lights are off

and he says nothing about all this afterwards, he simply sits there beside you on that park bench and tells you, in the softest voice you've ever heard him speak, that your crying face makes him want to stick firecrackers up your nose which makes you cry harder so he scoots an inch closer to you and

emptiness is now only 99% of the known universe.

•

The worst part about developing—things—which were _definitely_ not feelings—for a sadistic, homicidal, selfish, arrogant, disrespectful, borderline sociopathic stupid idiot moron brat was that _you couldn't tell anybody,_ because the information would somehow find its way to three people who were under no circumstances allowed to know.

Gin-chan would yell at you until you were dead. _You are not allowed to date anyone until you're thirty! Forty is too young! In the old days, girls don't even go anywhere near boys until they're fifty!_

Kamui would use it as an excuse to try to kill him over and over to 'get to know' him. As much as you wished the sadist dead, he was _yours._ To kill, that is.

(But also yours.)

Papi would simply kill the sadist. Possibly all of the tax robbers.

(Or try to keep you away from him. This is worse, because even the Umibouzu cannot defeat distance.)

(So what chance do you have?)

•

You still ended up going away. During the days preceding your departure, you talked about it with everyone you knew, except him. You tried to tell him, but he said he had better uses for your noise hole than talking, then proceeded to squirt an entire bottle of tabasco sauce into your open mouth. You tried to vomit straight at his face and he took photos. You then endeavored to murder each other, like always. Always is just repetition that never gets old.

The aftermath. Your backs on the ground, the silence oppressive for the very first time. You didn't even know if he cared that you were leaving, but you told him so, just in case. When he didn't respond, you put your mouth close to his ear and yelled everything you just said. He swatted your face away, you kneed him in the flank, and he whipped his sheathed katana across the side of your head.

Both of you jumping to your feet, teeth bared. _I am trying to tell you something important, yes? I thought I would be nice and tell you exactly how incomplete your life is about to be, but you show no appreciation! Stupid sadist! I will not buy you souvenirs!_

 _I'd rather shove my hand up a gorilla's ass than touch anything you buy for me, China._

 _I hope you get gorilla tapeworms and die!_

 _You're a gorilla tapeworm._

A park bench, about to be destroyed.

 _I am never coming back to see you ever again!_

A voice you could never read properly: _Shut the fuck up, China girl._ Then quieter: _Just shut up._

•

On Earth: Sukonbu and egg-on-rice, Gin-chan, Shinpachi, Sadaharu, Anego, Granny, Catherine, Tama, Zura, Elizabeth, Tsukki, Sacchan, basically the entire Kabuki-cho (of which you are Queen, of course), the entirety of Edo, even the tax robbers, except for the sadist (you are sure he doesn't miss you at all, because during the first of your many departures he wasn't there to see you off and you were _completely_ okay with that, really, except that after almost a year of traveling, you saw an Amanto with eyes like the ones on his sleeping mask and you burst into tears like a moron).

•

You _did_ buy him a souvenir.

It was an odd contraption that accurately imitated the smell and sound of truly mighty farts when a certain button was pressed. That one made him so happy he forgot to look like a hardass and his face actually lit up and you were kids again, trying to make Mayora as miserable as possible.

It was all you left him with, but you were convinced that it was all he needed, anyway.

… _you did not come see me off, yes?_

A fart punctuated the silence.

 _Nope. The terminal smelled like a bunch of orangutans having a shitting contest._

You lunged for him, and he reached for his katana.

Another park bench destroyed.

It was only when you gained the upper hand, straddling him and prepared to punch the good looks off his face, that you were able to breathe more freely and think clearly, and the implication of his words registered.

You lowered your fist and peered at him. _Wait. You were at the terminal?_

He said nothing, but his eyes have always been more talkative than the rest of him put together.

You planted your hands on either side of his head. _Why did you not come to see me, stupid sadist?_

There was something unbearable about the way he looked at you when he was serious. _Did you want me to?_

You squeezed your eyes shut to avoid his gaze. _I didn't say I wanted you to, dumb chihuahua! I was just asking! The only dog I want to see before I leave is Sadaharu, yes?_

A shift in the air. A hand cupping the back of your head like it was something delicate.

 _China._

The way he said it had you feeling warmer from the neck up. _What?_

 _Look at me._

 _No! I will go blind if I do, yes?_

 _From my sheer awesomeness? Flattering, but even I have my limits._ Was it your imagination or did he sound closer than before? _Look at me, China girl._

You never understood how the subtlest changes in his voice could do the thing that it did to you. You found yourself opening your eyes, only to find him mere inches from you.

Freaked out, you slapped a hand over his face. _What do you think are you doing, threatening a lady's purity?!_

Completely unrepentant, he licked your palm.

You shrieked, snatched your hand back, and attempted to back away, but his fingers were tangling themselves in your hair, his arm clamping you to him as he sat up. He was very close and you could suddenly remember everything you had ever wanted to tell him and they were all so fucking embarassing—

 _Look. At. Me. China._

You looked at him.

He looked at you. _I've had enough of this tsundere bullshit. I didn't want to talk about you leaving because the idea pissed me off and I knew I'd miss you like hell and I was right. I didn't go to see you at the terminal because I didn't want to watch you leave. Now. Do you want me to see you off next time?_

Your face must've looked like one giant blood vessel about to burst. _Yes. Stupid. Was it not obvious enough? Stupid!_

… _okay._

And that was it. No mockery, no smugness, no pretending. You began to well up over this entire idiocy, and words tumbled out of your mouth before you could stop them.

 _I told you I would be gone for a very long time, yes? But you did not come even though I just wanted to take a good look at your ugly mug before I leave! No, you just had to be an idiot and not show up! I thought you did not care at all! It made me lonely, yes? Edo is only home because of the morons in it, yes? If even one of those morons do not care whether I am there or not, it is the same as an empty house waiting. And I have had_ enough _of empty houses!_

Your speech ended with loaded silence, then a fart.

He snickered and you attempted to crush his throat but he caught your wrists pretty quickly and he was looking at you like _that_ again and calling you a stupid selfish ugly pig and he kissed you before you could retort, which was cheating, and when he drew away long enough for you to get an insult in, he promised he would send letters, even photos, which made you want to cry but he was kissing you again, and this, you supposed, was just Earth.

•

He _did_ send letters. He still does. Half of them are riddled with insults, the other half packed with promises that would make workers in the porn industry blush. You make sure to hide whenever you read those.

You once told him he never really sent you photos. You wanted to see everyone and what they were up to, even if it wasn't in person.

He _did_ send photos. You could only assume that none of the subjects in said photos knew they were being photographed, because they were all making ridiculous faces and they were all so hideous and looking at them made you want to laugh and cry at the same time.

However, there was one photo wherein the subject was definitely 100% aware that he was being photographed. You knew this because the subject was the sadist's dick.

That was when you decided you were going to kill him, then marry him, for no one else would be willing to take him, then kill him. Maybe have a family with him. Then kill him. Maybe grow into old geezers together.

Then kill him again.

After all, always is just repetition that never gets old.

 _end_

* * *

A/N: As I thought, writing from Kagura's POV is hard. This didn't turn out to be as good as I wanted, but it was the best I could manage with my scant free time lol. I promise I'll do better next time.


End file.
